Wednesday, 10/23, my neuro-oncolgist (NO) reviewed my MRI from the Thursday before. Compared to my last few MRIs things looked stable. That’s good. I did bloodwork and my counts were high enough, finally, to take chemo (it’s been over a month longer than the normal gap between rounds but that’s alright because it’s strong stuff). I took my chemo pills that night, after some anti-nausea medication. Good! My bi-weekly (every two weeks, not twice in one week) infusion of Avastin occurred after my NO reviewed my MRI. Very good! A busy medical day that started with the poke of a blood draw and ended with some chemo pills.
Given positive MRI results and the okay that I’ve been waiting for to take chemo, I should be ecstatic. I am. I’m very happy. But I’m also tired and unmotivated. My right eye occasionally drifts farther right, separating from the left. My strength and balance are both objectively subpar… At the same time, things could be much worse, and they have been even in my limited experience of me, much less for others. But the fact that worse exists doesn’t make feelings less real. It doesn’t negate. It does help change perspective though. It may help with the adjustment of the frame which may, in turn, help a little with my faltering energy after chemo. I also plan to restart formal PT soon. That should help change the frame too.
Doing things helps a person feel like they’re doing things - which in the here and now is all there is to do in response anyway. Doing the “right” thing isn’t possible because that would require the ability to see the future. Unfortunately, or maybe fortunately, that’s an ability I don’t have. All I can actually do are things that are here and now - at least in the here and now. If some future plans depend on here and now, then what I do here and now may impact those future plans too. But here and now, things are good! That’s the frame I choose to see them through.
